If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Okay
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.