If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
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‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”