Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Uh oh 👀

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

secret recipe

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.