Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.
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*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap*
I expected this; you found my search history yes?
Boss: Linda wants her cat back
my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t