@LittleMissAngr1

If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.

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@CakeThrottle

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@amydillon

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

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@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@AlottaInfo

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

@supermarkusa

I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.

@wickedsuga

Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.

@PuncherJetpack

Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one