If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.

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We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons


When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target




Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”


And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…


I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.


Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.


Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one