Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Happy Caturday!

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

it must be school picture day

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”