If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*