Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

sensitive skin