Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.