If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
You Might Also Like
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow