If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
😼🖥️
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
going to the ER y’all need anything
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
