If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets