If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.