If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Lassie, get help!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot