If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
😂🐈⬛
