if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Today’s Times
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.