if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
doing your own taxes
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.