Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Never forget.

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.