if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
This one, by a wide margin
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest