If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.