Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end