If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”![]()
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.![]()
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.