If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?