Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.