If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
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[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
BaD BoY!!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
