If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you