@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

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@BourbonLuv

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!

@seandunn76

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

@TuSoonShakur

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

@HousewifeOfHell

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

@Terdoh

I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”

@TheToddWilliams

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?