I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!
if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.
thanks & God bless
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking “This is not The Gates’ residence.”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden