“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!