“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Paper plates don鈥檛 have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I鈥檓 bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don鈥檛 call on me
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My my husband鈥檚 favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that鈥檚 actually in my hand.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Bro thinks that鈥檚 his job 馃ス
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn鈥檛 the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.