Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

This is sending me to another galaxy

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

The game has officially changed 😎

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”