Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Probably my best painting.

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.