If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.