If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’ll be mad as hell!
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks