If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
mariah carrie
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
So glad we cleared that up
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.