Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

the three branches of government

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.