If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries