Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Asking the real questions!

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?