Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.