Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

My dating profile:

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming