If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else