If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Children of the corn 🌽
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.