Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.