Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain