Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.