If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
me and who
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Whoa 😂
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name