If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting