Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM