If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.