If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.