If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
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[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?