If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Sure. Why not?
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me irl
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota