If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
You Might Also Like
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My therapist after every session
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Saturday
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.