If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
You Might Also Like
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.