Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

In banana years, I am bread.