If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater