If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Growing out my freckles.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.