If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
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My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Creepy-crawlies
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.