If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
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If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie