If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.