If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
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Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell