Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

when u come home smelling like another dog

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Your secret is safeish with me

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.