Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Current mood: Potato

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Breaking news:

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit