Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.