If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.