Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV