If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
You Might Also Like
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight