If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
You Might Also Like
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.