If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
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Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back