If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
make up your mind
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Mike is short for Micycle
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”