If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
oh my god
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Oh boy, $150,000!
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.