If you don鈥檛 have a birth certificate YOU WEREN鈥橳 BORN 馃槧
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Midwest trash talk
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Not to brag, but it鈥檚 not even Halloween and I鈥檝e already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
i get it boeing, i鈥檓 also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else鈥檚 problem
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!