If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
i baked you a cake
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe