If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I’d love this…lol
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
car not found
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill