If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Big Sex has us all fooled
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.