If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
hmm conte-me mais
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Name another movie that mislead you?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.