Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

the short answer to this question

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.