If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.