If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]