If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
be safe out there!
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen