If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.