If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
#dalle2
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!