Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Another interesting #factupdates post!

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe