Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
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J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.