Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
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My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.