@Sutton_Speaks

If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.

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@ruinedpicnic

J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

@CyrusMMcQueen

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

@cupcakelynda

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

@heroinsdemise

What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

@BatBatshitcrazy

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.