@Sutton_Speaks

If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.

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@somewhatalady

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

@DothTheDoth

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

@MichaelTrying

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

@beefman138

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

@FrancysNjoroge

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@Midlifecrisis18

Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)

* CRRRACK *

Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.

@amazymay72x

LIES! STOP THE LIES!

-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.

@kidphonic

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

@KKAlThani

Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.

@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.