If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.

You Might Also Like


“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”


My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.


The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.


Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti


Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)


Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.



-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.


Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.


Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.


Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.